ENTRY 9 : Wasurenaide

“Beddo ni suwatte kimi no koto wo kangaeteita
Aenakute mo ii aitai kono kimochi dake de ii kara”

I really can’t forget the times when I would just stare at nothing… reminiscing all the times that we were together.

“Tsuyoku nokotteiru kioku kimi kara no mijikai messeeji ga
Setsunaku mune shimetsukeru kedo towa no shiawase boku ga mamoritsuzuketai”

How I miss you… Where are you? Do you even think of me, the same way I think about you?

“Fukaku kizutsuiteita koto kizukasezu waratteita kimi ni
Zutto taisetsu ni suru kara sakebitsuzukeru arifureta kotoba demo”

I know I have hurt you so many times… And yet you still tried to make everything all right. Despite all the pain I gave you, you still tried to hide everything with a smile. Even though you shed so many tears because of me, you still tried to give me unending love and support.

I’m sorry for always leaving you alone… for not being there when you need a shoulder to cry on… for letting you down … and for not giving you enough attention.

—- Flashback…

“I’m sorry I can’t see you right now. I know it’s our anniversary but our group still has a pictorial in an hour and an interview later in the evening. Maybe we can just postpone our celebration for today. Let’s just meet up again when I have the time okay?” I said heartlessly.

“Oh . . . okay. Have you eaten lunch yet? It’s already passed lunch time,” she said while trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

“Are you all right?” I asked. “I’m really very sorry. Look, I have to hung up now. Our manager is calling. Take care of yourself okay? I’ll call you tomorrow,” I said hurriedly.

“Don’t worry. I understand. Just make sure you eat okay. I don’t want you to get sick or anything. We can just do our celebration some other time. Goodbye then,” she said while trying to hold back her tears.

“Kaze ni natte sotto tsutsumitai
Kimi ga iru sekai ni sugu tonde yukitai
Aitakute mo aitakute mo
Matteru kara matteru kara”

I know you tried to hold on but I just took it all for granted. Now … here I am regretting and wishing that I could turn back the time when you were still by my side…


“So where’s Jae?” U-Know asked Max as he carefully placed the magazine he was reading on a table near him.

“He’s in his room, still busy writing a new song,” Max answered as he sat down beside Xiah who was also preoccupied with playing a game.

“It’s our day off today. And it’s his way of relaxing. So let’s just leave him alone,” Xiah uttered.

“But he hasn’t eaten yet. I am really starting to get worried about him,” Max said with a sigh.

Micky slowly looked at Max, and then shook his head. “You know, today was supposed to be their second year anniversary that’s why he’s like that,” he said as he turned off his laptop.

“Really? So that’s the reason why he’s been totally strange all week,” Xiah said as he finally stopped playing.

“I can’t believe he still can’t forget her,” Max said. “It’s been so long since she left . . . a year to be exact. So how come he hasn’t moved on?”

Micky smiled. “Max, it’s not easy to forget someone especially when you have loved that person with all of your heart.”

“And when you’ve actually thought that person would be the one you would be spending the rest of your life with,” U-Know added.

Max shook his head. “Now that is what’s making me so confused. If he’s so in love with her, then why did he neglect her in the first place?”

Xiah smiled bitterly. “Max, sometimes you will never know what is most important to you, not until you have already lost it. Somehow Jae thought that Erin would always be by his side… always ready to understand and forgive. He had totally forgotten that she has feelings too, and that she will always have a limit on how much she can take.”

Max sighed again. “I think hyung should try to move on by now. She might already be involved with someone else by now.”

“Give him his own pace to heal his wound. He will try to move on once he is ready,” Micky uttered.


“Itsumo no hodou ni kimi no kage wo kanjiteita
Shizuka ni me wo toji inoru itsumademo kienai you ni”

Erin suddenly stopped and stared at the cd in front of her. She had mindlessly wandered into a store that sold cds and dvds. And as if an unknown force was teasing her, the store was playing a song …. A song that was bringing forth forgotten memories and pain…

She continued to look, then carefully picked up the cd and stared closely at a specific face in the picture.

“I’m happy that you haven’t forgotten to take good care of yourself. I miss you Jaejoong. Do you miss me too?” she asked as if talking to the man in the photo. She then traced the man’s face in the picture with her finger.

Only minutes passed… And as she carefully placed the cd in her bag, a sweet smile appeared on her lips.

An hour later… in a meeting room.

Erin felt like her entire world had collapsed the moment she laid her eyes on the men slowly approaching them. “Please no… not him,” her mind kept on repeating.

U-Know and Max worriedly looked at Jaejoong. Somehow they were all concerned about how he was going to react with Erin around.

But surprisingly Jaejoong and Erin were in complete control of their emotions. No one would even be able to guess that behind their cold façades, their hearts and minds were already being flooded with painful memories.



“Why? Why? Just tell me one good reason why you want to break up with me,” Jaejoong asked with sadness in his voice and tears were already clouding his eyes.

Erin looked away. Somehow she wanted to act strong. She didn’t want to see Jaejoong’s tears because she knew she might suddenly change her mind once she saw him crying.

“You already know the answer Jae. Do you really need to ask me that?” Erin said softly.

Jaejoong looked at her, then he lowered his head. He knew she had a good reason to leave him. He had been neglecting her ever since their relationship started… She had been giving in to all his demands but he never even once gave her anything in return. He always broke his promises and he always made her wait. She was always the one who ended up preparing for all their special times together, and more than half of their plans were always cancelled or forgotten by him.

Jaejoong closed his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he slowly uttered. “I know I have done so many wrong things to you. But please don’t leave me. I love you,” he said with tears already running down his face.

Erin tried to control her own tears. “I’m sorry. But I have tried so hard to hold on to our love… but all my efforts aren’t enough. In order for our relationship to work, you also need to contribute some of your time and your effort… I can’t be the only one working for our relationship to last. I have been hurt so many times. I don’t even know how I survived all of it. I… I know you love me. But there are times I can’t feel it. There are times that I need you, and you’re not there. There are times that I feel so lost… but you can’t even spend a single minute to talk to me. Please understand… I am tired of everything. If I stay and continue this, I will just keep on hurting. So please let me go… Maybe we’re not really meant for each other. Maybe you don’t really love me and just think that you do…”

“Don’t you believe me? I love you Erin,” Jaejoong uttered with a quivering voice. He then tried to hold Erin’s hand, but she immediately moved away from him.

“Please don’t… Don’t make it harder for the two of us. Let’s just end this now while we still have something special between the two of us. I don’t want us to end as enemies. It’s better if we let go of each other now… while we are still friends. I also know I am only hindering you in your success. I want to give you back your freedom. So you can soar higher and reach all your dreams. Let’s just say goodbye now please,” Erin begged.

Jaejoong cried bitterly. He knew what she said made sense but his heart was wouldn’t agree. His heart was telling him not to let her go. He loved her but he knew there were a lot of things he couldn’t give….things that she needed and was also searching for.

Slowly he reached out for her again. This time Erin didn’t try to move away. She just allowed him to hold her in his arms. His embrace was so tight that somehow she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

As they both held on to their last embrace, tears were continuous flowing.

“I love you Erin,” he uttered as he slowly gave her their very last kiss…


The meeting was finished after an hour. And as Erin hurriedly arranged all her things, Jaejoong slowly approached her.

“Can we talk?” he asked with a low voice.

She suddenly looked up at him. Immediately her heart started to beat wildly. How she had missed him…. Somehow just seeing him in front of her was making her filled with so much longing.

“Sorry, but I can’t. We’re leaving Japan in a few hours. I still need to do a lot of things before we leave,” she lied.

Jaejoong stared at her more closely. “Are you trying to avoid me? Can’t you spare even a few minutes?” he asked with pain in his voice.

Erin felt pity after hearing him say those words. But she just tried to act tough and continued to arrange her things. “Sorry, but I really can’t,” she lied again.

“Erin … please,” Jaejoong begged again.

“Don’t look at him. No matter what he says or do… Don’t look at him,” she kept on repeating in her mind. She was afraid that she would betray herself once she looked at his face.

Suddenly… Erin’s boss quickly took all the materials that she was gathering. “Go… talk with him. I know the two of you have a lot of things to settle,” he said to Erin.


“Kimi ni fureta yoru kowareteshimau hodo ni
Tadayou kaori ni mata omoi ga tsunoru baby”

“I miss you,” Jaejoong immediately voiced out as soon as they were alone in the DBSK boys’ van.

Erin bravely faced him. “I’m sorry … but I don’t.”

Jaejoong tried to smile. “It’s been a year. I know a lot things must have changed. But please don’t tell me… you have already forgotten me,” he said with pain in his voice.

“What would you do if I said yes?” she asked sarcastically. She was trying to hide her nervousness and fear.

Jaejoong was instantly hurt. “Are you involved with someone else now? The man you were with today… is he the one?” he boldly asked.

Erin looked away. “You don’t have any right to ask me such questions.”

He then lowered his head. “I’m sorry.”

Erin closed her eyes for a few seconds. She was already feeling very weak. Her heart was already screaming his name. Somehow her body was already trembling. Somehow she wanted to go near him and just embrace him and kiss him…

“I’m glad that you’re all right. I was worried sick about you. After you left, I just kept on wondering where you were and what you were doing. Now I can finally put my mind at ease. I am happy that you have already moved on,” Jaejoong uttered with a heavy heart.

“Jae, we have different lives now. Let’s just leave everything behind. Now I can see that leaving you was the best thing I could do for you. Look at you now… You’re at the top. I am so happy for you. You have finally achieved what you have dreamed of. And I know you wouldn’t be able to achieve your goals if I had stayed and hindered your success,” Erin said softly.

“You were never a hindrance. You were my inspiration. What I achieved is all because of you. I worked so hard so I can stand before you one day and make you proud of me,” he uttered with tears already forming in his eyes.

Erin could no longer help but stare straight into his eyes. And her heart instantly broke after seeing the pain and sadness in those beautiful eyes that she had dreamed of for the passed one year. Her mind was already telling her to be true to herself and her heart was already reaching out to him.

Scared, Erin quickly got out of the van. “I’m sorry Jae. But I can’t stay long. I still need to fix my things, and we will be leaving in a few hours.”

Jaejoong slowly got out of the van as well. “Are you really leaving?”

“Yes,” she simply replied.

“I . . . I want you to stay… Can’t I make you stay?” Jaejoong asked with a trembling voice.

Erin looked back at him. “No. Tell me… what can you give me if I stayed?” she asked with a cold voice.

Jaejoong tried to hold back his tears. “Nothing … I guess… just my love,” he replied.

“Can you give me some of your time? Can you promise me that you will never neglect me again? Can you promise me that you will never make me wait again? Can you promise that you will never make me cry again?” she asked continuously.

Jaejoong felt there was something stuck in his throat that was making it hard for him to answer. He knew he couldn’t promise anything. He can never promise her anything. His life was too complicated that there was really no room for her. His heart longed for her, but he knew he had no right to keep her.

“No,’ he answered as his tears finally fell. He felt like the world was too cruel to him. He kept on asking himself why he couldn’t keep Erin by his side. She meant the world to him. But fate was somehow against them. Even though he loved her, he still wasn’t allowed to have her.

Erin looked away. “Then I guess… this is goodbye again,” she uttered. “I know there will come a time that you will find someone who will be able to stay by your side. I am sorry that I can’t be that someone. I will always pray for your success and happiness. Take care of yourself, Jae…”

As Erin started to move away, she finally allowed her tears to fall. She still loved him, but she didn’t want another continuation of their suffering. They were destined to be apart and it was something she needed to accept. “I love you, Jaejoong…” her heart kept on reaching out to him.

Jaejoong continued to stare as Erin slowly walked away from him. “How can I be happy when you’re the only one who can make me smile? Tell me…. How am I supposed to forget you Erin?” he kept asking in his mind as tears clouded his eyes.


“Kimi ni fureta yoru kowareteshimau hodo ni
Tadayou kaori ni mata omoi ga tsunoru baby”

“Are you all right?” Erin’s boss asked her as they were already getting ready to board the plane.

Erin looked around as if looking for someone. Somehow her heart was still hoping and believing that he would come and make her stay one last time.

“Stupid,” she muttered to herself. She was angry with herself. Why was she hoping that Jaejoong would come and ask her to stay again when she had already rejected him. She wasn’t thinking straight when she was talking to him. She was in total denial. But the fact was that she still loved him.

She could have stayed if only he had said that he was willing to give her even a fraction of his time. She was willing to stay if he had lied and told her that he wasn’t going to make her cry again. She wasn’t asking much…. Just a little of his attention. She was willing to sacrifice…. to wait…. and to cry…. just as long as she was by his side.

“Stupid,” she uttered again. It was already too late. She made a wrong decision again.

They were already walking towards the boarding area, but she didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay where her heart was… with Jaejoong.

“Erin!” a man’s voice suddenly called out.

She quickly looked back. And her heart immediately started to rejoice.

“Jae,” she uttered as tears started to form in her eyes. “He came… he came for me,” the words kept on repeating in her mind.

Jaejoong hurriedly walked up to her. And as soon as he was near her, he quickly took her in his arms. “Please don’t go.”


“I don’t think I can stand another day without you. Please stay by my side. I promise I will try my best to make it up to you. I will always take care of you. I will always be there for you. And I will never hurt you and make you sad … ever again,” he uttered.

He then slowly made her look straight at him. “Please stay Erin. Even if I have to trade my career… I am willing to do it. Just say you’ll stay with me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting the day that I let you go. Please come back to me…” he uttered with sincerity and love in his eyes.

Erin didn’t know what to say. Tears were already streaming down her face. “You’re making me cry again,” she uttered.

Jaejoong quickly wiped her tears away. Then he worriedly looked at her. “I’m sorry if I made you cry.”

Erin smiled. “If this is the kind of feeling that would make me cry…. Then I am willing to cry everyday….”

Jaejoong touched Erin’s face. “Please say you will stay with me and never leave me again.”

She slowly nodded. “You should have done this a long time ago… the very first time I left. Do you know how much I missed you?” she asked with a smile.

“I love you Erin… I promise I will never let you go … ever again,” he said lovingly before lowering his face and kissing her. How he had longed to feel her soft lips next to his. He then tightened his hold on her body. She was finally back where she belonged …. She was finally back in his arms…

“Itsumademo hatenai you ni
Motto tsuyoku tsunaida te hanarenai you ni”


“Sometimes you will never realize what is most important to you, not until you have lost it. So when you get the chance to have a hold on what is most important to you… make sure that you cherish it and take care of it… Never ever allow yourself to lose it… or else you will spend the rest of your life regretting… ”

Jaejoong slowly smiled as he gazed at the beautiful sunrise. He then tightened his hold on Erin’s hand, as they continued to walk along the shores of the beach. He had never felt so complete in his entire life. He was truly blessed for getting the chance to have her back in his life again.

As they continued to walk together, a sweet music kept on playing in their minds and in their hearts…. A music that will always play in their lives forever….

“Kaze ni natte sotto tsutsumitai
Kimi ga iru sekai ni sugu tonde yukitai
Aitakute mo aitakute mo
Matteru kara tada wasurenaide”

“Koko ni iru yo wasurenaide”

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