Title: Because I Love You
A/N: Do listen to White Lies and TAXI while you’re reading this. Thanks.
“Yoona,” I said, smiling at the girl beside me. She faced me and smiled back. “Yes oppa? Is there anything that I can do for you?”
I grabbed her hand and entangle it with mine. God, how I loved the feeling of holding her like this. I caressed it slowly.
“Oppa, what’s wrong?” Yoona asked me, still smiling although I know she’s wondering why am I acting so sweet like this.
I smiled at her, leaning forward slowly and hugged her. I smelled her fresh blueberry scent. I will surely miss this very unique scent of hers.
‘Mianhae Yoona. This is for the best…’ I thought sadly as I break the hug and caressed her face tenderly.
“Oppa, you’re making me worried. Are you alright oppa?” Yoona asked me, head tilting at a side, making her look cuter than she already is.
‘Is this the right decision? Am I doing the right thing? Yoona, mianhae…’ I thought once again before I took a deep breath and tried to be serious. Yoona seems to realize the tension atmosphere surrounding us.
“Oppa…” She said slowly, looking very worried. I looked deep into her eyes, and I saw her love for me. ‘Mianhae Yoona… I love you, more than I have realized it…’
“Yoona, let’s break up.” I’ve said that! Now, let’s just see what her reaction…is.
Yoona was so shocked; I can easily tell it from her facial expressions. She was near to tears, I really want to wipe it off but I’m scared that I will regret this decision later.
“Oppa, what’s wrong? Am I not that good for you?” She asked disbelievingly, tears rolling freely at her delicate cheek. I tried my hard to fight the tears that were forming.
“Mianhae Yoona, it seems that after few months going out with you, I can’t feel the love. I can’t feel anything with you, Yoona. Mianhae, jeongmal mianhae…” I can’t believe I said that! This are all lies, mianhae Yoona, I have to do this. I don’t want you to feel pity for me for having this disease. I don’t want you to suffer.
“But oppa… I thought you loved me?” She asked, making my heart break into pieces everytime her tears falls onto her delicate face. God, please let me be strong!!
“I did love you, Yoona. But like what I’ve said, I can’t feel it from you. Wait, I know you love me too, but I can’t just feel it! Mianhae Yoona…” I crossed my fingers at my back. Mianhae Yoona, I love you forever…
Yoona sobbed uncontrollably in front of me. She was wiping off her tears that were rolling on her face. She looked so miserable, looks like she had just lost something.
“And, Yoochun said that he loves you. I think you better be with him. You deserved someone better, Yoona. Not someone bad like me,” I lied once again, but half of it is true. I am bad, bad for breaking her heart. I am a bad person, Yoona…
“Yoochun? But the person I loved is you!! Not Yoochun, not anyone else… I love you, Jaejoong oppa!! I don’t want someone else! I just want you… Why are you hurting me like this…?” She asked while her sobbing getting harder and harder. I can’t stand it anymore. The tears I’ve been hiding all these times are threatening me right now. I wiped it away before it even has time to flow out of my eye.
‘Yoona, I’m hurting more than you… Mianhae Yoona, this is the stupidest decision I’ve ever made in my life…’ I thought as I stand up suddenly. I can’t stand looking at the girl I loved the most crying her heart out because of me.
“Mianhae Yoona, I have to go now. I hope you will meet someone better than me, and live happily with that person. Please, forget about me, forget everything about our relationship. Goodbye Yoona,” I said, and with that I turn around and walked. Walked away from the girl I loved. I can hear her sobbing getting harder and harder with every step I make.
‘Mianhae Yoona, I don’t want you to suffer…’ I thought as one tear escaped from my eyes.
“Jaejoong, this is the stupidest decision a human being would ever made!!! What are you thinking when you said that?!?!?! Do you know how is she feeling right now?! She’s my cousin, for God’s sake and you said I LIKED her?! Jaejoong, you’re too much!!!” Yoochun screamed at me after he received a call from Yoona. I was sitting silently in front of the TV when Yoochun stormed into my house and screamed like a mad person. I let him yell and scream at me, I know he will stop yelling when he’s tired. By the meantime, I will just have to listen to everything he wanted to tell. Even if it hurts me.
“Jaejoong, are you listening to me?! Why you changed, Jaejoong?! I thought you loved Yoona more than everything; you loved her more than you even loved yourself! What happened to the Jaejoong I know?! Where is he!? Tell me!!!” Yoochun screamed, grabbing the collar of my shirt. His face was few centimetres away from mine, and I swear I can see steam coming out from his ears. He was flushed in red by now, he’s really mad at me.
I pushed his hand away from me with a little force, but he wouldn’t move. “Yoochun, please don’t make things harder for me when it’s already hard!!” I yelled, causing Yoochun to be madder at me. He slapped my face hard, causing my head to turn. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FOR, PARK YOOCHUN?!” I screamed at him, I can’t believe my best friend slapped me.
“THAT’S FOR HURTING YOONA!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!! AND AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HER, DON’T DREAM OF SEEING ME ANYMORE!!! I HATE YOU KIM JAEJOONG!!! YOU’RE THE MOST CALLOUS PERSON I’VE EVER MET!!!” Yoochun screamed, and with that, he left my house after slammed the door hard. I placed my hands at the place where Yoochun slapped me just now. “Now I lost my best friend too…” I whispered as I cried once again.
I was thinking about the recent things that happened to me when the nurse called my name. I glance up and the nurse called my name once again.
I stood up slowly, walking towards her. “I’m Kim Jaejoong.”
She handed me a file before she said, “Please bring this file to Room 5 and give this to Dr. Shim.” I nodded and walked towards the designated room.
I knocked on the door slowly before I heard a faint ‘Come in’ from inside. I opened the door and greeted the young doctor in front of me.
“Kim Jaejoong, can I call you Jaejoong?” Dr Shim asked me. I nodded silently as I sit in front of him. He smiled warmly at me as he looked at the file I handed to him.
“You’re suffering from a disease that caused your heart to stop beating anytime. And you’re at the last stage of this unnamed disease. Do you know that?” The doctor asked me, as I nodded once again. I’ve been informed by my personal doctor, Dr Kim when I was still 17 years old. Now that he had passed away, I have to go to hospitals for checkups. It is few days before I break up with Yoona when I was told that the rare disease I’m having is at the last stage. That means I must have a heart transfer or else, I would die.
“Okay, I will make some checkups on you to decide whether you have to stay in the hospital or not. Please follow me,” He said, standing up and walked towards a room full of machines.
I coughed once again. This time, I felt something coming out when I coughed. I looked my hand that I used to cover my mouth when I coughed.
Oh, no! There are bloods there!!! That means, I coughed out blood?!
As I was worrying over it, the door suddenly opened as some nurses and Dr Shim rushed in. They have always rushed in when I coughed.
“Jaejoong? Are you alright?” Dr Shim asked me, checking on my condition. The nurses are busy checking the wires that are connected to my body. I showed him my bloody hand.
“Oh no! You coughed out blood?!” Dr Shim asked, practically yelling. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting this. I mean, he did tell me that I’ll cough out blood anytime but I’m sure he didn’t expect me to cough out blood this early.
He handed me a box of tissues and ordered me to wipe away the blood from my hand. Then he ordered the nurses to take something. They rushed out immediately, leaving me and the doctor alone.
“Jaejoong, do you feel any pain when you coughed?” Dr Shim asked, looking worriedly at me.
“No, I was sleeping when I suddenly wake up and cough. Why?” I asked, handing back the box of tissue to him. He took it and placed it on the cabinet next to my bed.
“I’m not sure whether I should tell you this or not but, Jaejoong… Your condition had worsened. Your heart can stop beating anytime. You’re in the most dangerous state when you coughed out blood,” Dr Shim said, still looking worriedly at me. I was stunned. Is my life this short?
“Jaejoong, do you have any family members?” Dr Shim asked. I shook my head lightly. My parents died when I was 16 years old in an accident. Siblings… I’m the only child. Besides my parents, I don’t have anybody. I lived on my own all these times.
“Then, is there someone whom I can talk to?” He asked once again. Yoochun? But he said he’s not my friend anymore… But I have nobody besides him and Yoona…
“Yes, there is someone…”
My face was covered with the oxygen mask this morning when suddenly I have difficulties in breathing. The nurses and Dr Shim rushed into my room when they heard the emergency button being pushed.
I stared at the ceiling. Is this the end of me? Why is my life like this? I still have my dreams that I want to achieve. Why God is taking away
Suddenly I heard the door opened. ‘Oh, it must be Dr Shim checking on my condition again. He has been checking on me every hour intervals since this morning.’ I thought.
Then I heard someone called my name. “Jaejoong…”
That voice sounded so familiar. Does it belong to…
I turned my head towards the direction of the voice to confirm it. There I saw my best friend, Yoochun standing with tears on his face.
“Yoo-” I tried to call his name but failed since I can barely breathe on my own. He sobbed even harder looking at how miserable I am. He stormed towards my side and cried really hard.
“Jaejoong, what happened to you? I went to your apartment the day after we had a big fight to apologize but your neighbours said that you’ve went somewhere. I tried looking for you every single place that come to my mind, but still I can’t find you. Do you know how worried I am? I was even more worried when I received a phone call from the hospital saying that you’re in a critical condition. What happened to you, Jaejoong?” Yoochun said, sobbing uncontrollably at my side. The sight of my best friend crying because of me breaks my heart into pieces. I want to wipe away the tears but I was too weak, I was too weak to even move my fingers.
“Yoo-” I tried calling his name once again, and failed once again. He shook his head lightly. “No Jaejoong, don’t say anything. It breaks my heart everytime you tried calling my name. You’re so weak, look at yourself…” Yoochun said, examining my thin body. That’s true, I barely eat lately.
Everytime I tried to eat, my stomach won’t accept it and I end up
throwing up. Dr Shim decided that water is the best solution. He has
been filling the bag of water that was attached to me every one hour.
I want to know how Yoona is doing. I really want to ask Yoochun. But with my condition like this…
“Yoo- Yooo… Yoochun… Yooo… Yoona?” I tried saying those two words. My heart was in pain everytime I tried to say something.
“Yoona? Yoona… She’s fine Jaejoong… She was looking for you all these times, but end up crying because she couldn’t find you anywhere. Every day she went to the park where you two always hang out together, looking at the sunset together… She was crying by herself there. Then I would carry her home because she refused to go home. She was heartbroken Jaejoong… Why don’t you just tell her about your condition?” Yoochun asked, every single detail he said about Yoona makes my heart break even more. I really want to find Yoona right now and apologized. I still loved her…
A single tear rolled down at the side of my cheek.
“Because… I… Loved… Her…” With many difficulties, I managed to mutter those words.
More tears were formed after that, as I was so sad, I loved her too
much, I missed her too much… How I wanted to see her right now… How I wanted to hug her right now… Yoona… I miss you… I love you…
“Oppa, I love you too…”
I recognize that voice!!! That voice belongs to…
I breathed out hard, causing my heart to hurt even more. I ignored the pain. The girl I love the most is standing in front of me right now…
Nothing is more important than that…
“Jaejoong oppa…” Yoona said, walking slowly as ever towards me. As she was nearer, I can see that she’s crying. I hope she’s crying because she’s happy that finally she found me, just like me… I’m glad I found her…
I coughed as I felt my heart getting tighter. It is hard to breathe right now. Yoona rushed towards me when I coughed. She took my hand and squeezed it lightly. “Oppa, kwenchanha?” She asked as tears rolls down on her face.
I want to answer her but I can’t. I tried to tell her that I’m alright
but I end up coughing even harder. My heart is getting tighter. The
heartbeat machine beside me started to beep wildly along with my own heartbeat.
As I was struggling to talk, the door opened once again, this time Dr Shim rushed in with a worried face. It seems like he heard the machine. Behind him stood few nurses, the ones who are always looking after me when Dr Shim is busy.
“Doctor, he has been coughing nonstop since just now!” Yoochun said, as Yoona continued to cry beside me. Yoona, please don’t cry because of me… The reason I want the separation is because I don’t want to see you like this, crying because I’m dying… Yoona, please… Uljima…
Dr Shim rushed towards me while the nurses pulled Yoona and Yoochun away from me. Dr Shim placed the stethoscope on my chest to listen to my heartbeat while his eyes locked at the monitor. His face remains unchanged, he was worried about my condition. While me on the other hand, keeps on coughing…
[End of Jaejoong POV]
“JAEJOONG OPPA!!!! DON’T TOUCH ME!!! JAEJOONG OPPA!!!!” I screamed when a nurse pulled me away from Jaejoong. I can see from Jaejoong’s eyes that he was crying too. He must be in a lot of pain now.
“Yoona, stop this! Yoona, please relax!!” Yoochun screamed at me when he dragged me towards a corner of the room. From there I could see that Jaejoong is getting weaker and weaker with every second passed. The heartbeat machine beside him was beeping very fast now, his heart is in danger. His life is in danger.
“Jaejoong oppa…” I slumped down, Yoochun grabbed my body before I fall on the floor.
“Yoona, please relax… Don’t be like this… Jaejoong would be sadder when he saw you like this…” Yoochun said, hugging me. I can feel that he’s crying too, of course, Jaejoong is his best friend after all. And now, the person we loved the most is fighting for his life right in front of us.
“Jaejoong oppa…” I cried hard in Yoochun’s embrace, I don’t want to see my beloved person struggling with his life. I’m scared, if I look at him, he might just leave me anytime…
Suddenly, a loud beep can be heard. The doctor and the nurses had stop shouting now. I turned towards the bed. Please, don’t say that…
“We lose him.”
I can’t believe that!!! Jaejoong oppa died in front of my eyes!!! I started to cry hard, Yoochun hugged me tight.
“JAEJOONG OPPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed in frustration, as the person I loved leave me forever.
Today is the day. The day where Jaejoong oppa would be buried. He had died last night, right in front of my eyes. Yoochun oppa was with me all the time, he was there when Jaejoong oppa struggled for his life.
Yoochun oppa sobbed at my side. It is clear that he’s still crying. In fact, we were crying nonstop since last night until now. I still can’t believe that Jaejoong oppa had died.
I squeezed the letter that was given by the doctor who had treated Jaejoong oppa last night. He said that Jaejoong oppa wrote this few days before he passed away. I opened the letter once again, reading the content.
Dear Yoona my love,
How are you? I hope you’re still healthy, and I hoped that you’re now
happy. It’s been 2 months after we break up. Do you still crying
because of the separation?
I’m sure when you received this letter; I’m no more alive in this world. Yoona, mianhae. Jeongmal mianhae. The main reason I decided to break up with you is because I have this very rare disease that will cause my heart to stop beating anytime. I can die anytime Yoona. That’s why I want the separation. I don’t want you to cry because of me, I don’t want you to be sad because of my current condition. Please don’t cry Yoona, it hurts me everytime you shed a tear…
Yoona, the reason I break up with you is because I love you. I love you more than I loved myself, more than you could ever imagine. I love you will all my heart, it seems that you took away my heart too when we break up that day… I’m hurting right now Yoona… Do you know, I still loved you now? I will love you forever, until my last breath.
Actually I have to do an operation when I was 20 years old that means when we’re already deeply, madly in love with each other. The main reason? I’m scared if I’m using someone else’s heart, I might forget the feelings I have for you all these times… I loved you too much Yoona…
Yoona, please don’t cry because of me anymore. Now that I’m no longer by your side, I’m no longer by Yoochun’s side, please look after yourself and look after Yoochun. Don’t let him cry because of me. And tell him that I loved him like my own brother. He’s like a brother that I’d never had…
Yoona, it hurts so much right now… How I wished I could see you one last time before I died. I really want to see you Yoona… But I know, that hope will never come true…
Goodbye Yoona, please forgive for all the bad things I’ve done to you. I do it, because I love you…
Because I love you,
I was crying uncontrollably everytime I finished reading his letter. Jaejoong oppa, mianhae… I will love you forever…